Hello – I am Kellyanne. Professional Wrestler.
Who am I speaking to here? Am I talking to the people who just got their crowds back in wrestling arenas? I AM? Well, that is great – greater than great. Big fight feels are attached to every match.
The big question – what has happened to that pink mush that sits inside our skull during all of this? Do we still have the ability to process the big fight when fighting is all around us, and happening in the weirdest way possible?
Pour that coffee down your gullet, my dudes; it’s time for another edition of The Other Side.
Quote the GZA talking to Bill Murray in “Coffee and Cigarettes:”
“I used to drink it every night, every single night, just to make me dream faster. You know, like when they flash those cameras on the Indy 500 cars, and they’re just like fsssht, fssht, fssht, fsssht, fssshy. That’s how my dreams were.”
I hear the GZA on this one. I love coffee, too. I type, but then the sad sax plays a sad tune, and I’m not there. I got all the coffee in me, and I’m not there to share the crowd, to get the big fight feel. My dreams are too fast. I wake up in the Australian winter with rain pelting down on the tin roof.
At the last event Kellyanne attended, she made an open challenge.
Yes. I made an open challenge. When you hear the words “open challenge” you tend to roll your eyes. I can’t think like that. I have to think about grabbing the microphone and letting every audience member know how I’m feeling at the time.
Most of the time, I’m irritated. I can verbally attack everything. Nothing feels sacred. The locker room, the fans, management – they are all in the crosshairs. Why? Because there’s something in the way the world is transitioning that makes everything everyone does more irritating. I know you know what I mean.
The less we know about everything, the more we are pretending to have every answer. This fake confidence is everywhere; pretty soon, you won’t know what confidence is anymore – it’ll just be a coat of face paint or a head nod.
Hell yeah, I make an open challenge. I challenge the next imposter that comes through the curtain. The same look in their eye, they’ve googled “How to live” and are checking their repertoire off a damn template checklist.
Excuse me if I’m not blown away by every person who enters the ring with me. Life is not a movie. I don’t have a dog that can sniff out the robots like in “Terminator 2.” I sniff them out by saying a couple of nasty things. I look them up and down, and if I’m still not convinced that they are in the ring to win, then I’m not opposed to slapping a face or two.
Then you engage.
What happens next is irrelevant. Instead, look at the thought process of what it takes to get there. LABORIOUS.
That’s why I need coffee. But, damn, do I dream fast.
Kellyanne is a pro wrestler from Australia under contract with Ring of Honor. The Other Side w/Kellyanne appears every other Wednesday.