COLUMBUS, Ohio -- There was a cornucopia of lighthearted moments during ROH Unauthorized’s Hanukkah Comes Early: Eight Crazy Matches Hosted by Colt Cabana at Express Live Sunday night, but the violent anything-goes match between PCO and Dan Maff was no laughing matter (although it was a spectacle).
PCO and Maff, a former two-time ROH World Tag Team Champion who made his return to ROH over the weekend after a 14-year absence, brutalized each other with tables, chairs, thumbtacks and even cinder blocks. PCO ultimately finished off Maff with a moonsault.
After the match, Marty Scurll celebrated the victory with his fellow Villain Enterprises member and predicted that PCO would win the ROH World Title from RUSH at the Final Battle pay-per-view on Dec. 13.
Here are the results from the rest of the show, which was booked entirely by Cabana:
Ultimo Guerrero defeated Jonathan Gresham
Joe Hendry joined Ian Riccaboni on commentary and proceeded to sing all of his comments. Guerrero pinned Gresham after the CMLL legend hit Guerrero Especial from the top rope.
El Jefe Cobbo and El Villainisto defeated Delirious and Mini Delirious
The mysterious luchadors scored the win after Cobbo hit a standing moonsault on Mini Delirious. Per the match stipulation, which stated that the loser of the fall must unmask, Mini Delirious revealed himself to be Swoggle. The crowd was stunned (or something).
Colt Cabana’s Punderful Six-Man Tag Match: Dalton White Castle, Kenny Burger King (w/Amy Rose) and Burger Flip Gordon defeated Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger (Beer City Bruiser) and Triple Cheeseburger (Brawler Milonas)
Even though Gordon abandoned them during the match, Castle and King prevailed thanks to King rolling up Cheeseburger and pinning him while grabbing a handful of tights.
After the match, King stole Bruiser and Milonas’ cooler, but Rhett Titus, who had been sitting in on commentary, took it from him and returned it to its rightful owners. The cooler contained cheeseburgers as well as beers, and Bruiser, Milonas, Cheeseburger, Titus and Castle all shared some burgers and cold ones.
No-Disqualification Match: The Allure (Angelina Love and Mandy Leon) defeated Sumie Sakai and Jenny Rose
This match saw the return of Daryl Takahashi, who was brought in by Sakai in honor of New Japan Pro-Wrestling star Hiromu Takahashi announcing his return to the ring over the weekend after spending more than a year on the sideline with a broken neck.
Unfortunately for Sakai and Rose, Daryl was unable to help them overcome The Allure, as Love pinned Sakai after a Botox Injection.
After the match, Love grabbed the microphone, but she only got a few words out before Maria Manic came out to interrupt her.
Manic backed Love into the corner and said, “At Final Battle, you’re dead, bitch!”
Mark Briscoe defeated Josh Woods
Jay Briscoe and Silas Young did live commentary, and the stipulation was that every time their tag partner got a two count, they’d have to take a shot.
There were a lot of near falls during the match, which means Jay Briscoe and Young did a lot of shots. Thankfully, Mark Briscoe hit Froggy Bow to win the match before anyone puked.
ROH World Champion RUSH and Dragon Lee defeated LifeBlood’s Mark Haskins and Tracy Williams
There were no quirky stipulations or joking around in this match, as the four intense competitors went at it in a thrilling, hard-hitting matchup.
The undefeated RUSH notched yet another victory after hitting Bull’s Horns on Williams.
Ten-Man Tag Match: Colt Cabana, Ian Riccaboni, Todd Sinclair, Gary Juster and Gator The Cameraman defeated ROH World Television Champion Shane Taylor, Soldiers of Savagery (Moses and Kaun), Ron Hunt and Brian Johnson
Taylor came out with his Shane Taylor Promotions entourage, which included SOS and Hunt, his hype man. Taylor, who was originally supposed to be involved in a tag match, complained to Cabana about changing things on him.
Taylor challenged Cabana to a match, but Cabana said that since Taylor brought his crew they should make it an eight-man tag match. Cabana said he could literally pick anyone to be his partners and his team would beat Taylor’s team. Cabana selected ROH senior cameraman Gator, ROH senior announcer Riccaboni and ROH “senior” Juster.
At that point, “The Mecca” Brian Johnson came out. He demanded to be in the match and said he didn’t care which side he was on. Cabana quickly decided that Johnson would be on Taylor’s team. Cabana then chose ROH senior referee Sinclair as the final member of his squad.
Johnson immediately angered his teammates, and Taylor and his crew headed to the back, leaving Johnson in a five-on-one situation. Sinclair leapfrogged Johnson and nailed him with Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat-like chops. Juster also got in a chop (as Cabana held Johnson). Riccaboni hit a flying elbow off the top rope, and Cabana covered Johnson for the win.
Yes, that all really happened.
El Lethál & Jéfe Cobbo
Delirious & Mini Delirious
Cheeseburger / Double Cheeseburger / Triple Cheeseburger
Dalton White Castle / Burger Flip Gordon / Kenny Burger King
RUSH & DRAGON LEE
Shane Taylor & ???
Sumie Sakai & Jenny Rose